SwankxTAR

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I don't always choose what I write, sometimes the ideas come to me and haunt me until I cave. This is one of those. I've never actually delve into relationship stuff and so I’ll preface this by saying I have no authority on this topic but for whatever reason the writers’ faeries have granted me permission to speak on the topic so here goes:

I've had 2 or 3 real breakups and this might be a biased observation but I generally handle this stuff well (enough -ish). When a relationship runs its course, I accept it and (make all efforts to) move on with my life as best as I can. Maybe it's pride, wanting to pacify the feeling of unwantedness by turning the page or my intuition that prepared me weeks or even months in advance with the knowing that it was only a matter of time before the chapter would close out. Either way, like anyone else I do feel sadness, sometimes loads but I try not to feed it too much. Admittedly this isn't always easy when suppressed feelings in my waking hours are replaced with annoyingly realistic dreams at nights about my ex (which happens a lot more frequently than I’d like to admit.) Beyond this, I choose to channel most of my energy into adapting to my new normal, which is likely credited to my optimism that something or someone better is ”out there” waiting for me. I know wishful thinking alone isnt enough for some and that optimism on its own won't get you through this rough patch so here are a few things that I believe will help you move on after a breakup:

Ex-Communicate

Many break-ups become a lot more tumultous than they need to be because there are no established boundaries. You have the uncomfortable talk and you say you're done but your actions are saying otherwise. The messages continues and so do the calls, prolonging stress and toxicity. Listen, your Cinderealla story didn't quite pan out as you imagined so it's time to channel a new Disney princess and ”Let it go.” Now don't get me wrong, I'm not saying you should become an ice princess and retreat to the mountains (though this isn't a bad idea) nor should you be bitter and completely cut the person out of your life however you have to create some breathing space to assess your mess. Some people are worth fighting for and others just aren't but you’ll never gain true clarity about this until the smoke clears. Grant yourself some headspace.

People are like cities
You live in them so long
You begin to get comfortable
And forget
How beautiful they are
Sometimes you have to leave
In order to learn
How much you'll miss them
And to understand
How they live in you.
- Unknown

You know the old adage, if that person is the one for you, they’ll find their way back. If they aren't then happy riddance. Things always work themselves out so don't waste your time trying to resuscitate a dead situation. Move towards the tides of your new blessings.

Make a "Dream" list.

Now that you’ve stopped talking to him and you have a little time to think, make yourself a cocktail and then a list of all the things you want in your dream partner. It's therapy, I promise. This will put a lot into perspective for you. Either you will realize your ex was tailor-made by the soulmate gods just for you or that he is probably not the person you thought you wanted or deserve (very likely the case). People love to get in their knickers about this kind of list but I strongly believe there is value in it. You will never find the perfect man but it's nice to have a reference of those non-negotiable qualities you want in a partner based on what you value. It's okay to set a standard for yourself.
N.B: do not become attached to the specifics but rather use it as a guide.

Work on Yourself (Character Check)

When our heart is lost we look for happiness in all sorts of places. Understand this: nothing outside of you will help in any lasting way. Joy is an inside job. No matter how much booze you buy, how many people you get under to get over your situation or how much therapy sessions you attend, you are the only one who can heal you. Get to the root of your grievance by doing a little introspection. There might be things about you that contributed to the demise of your relationship and since we learn the most about ourselves and others when we are uncomfortable, what are some things that keep showing up for you? Please, do not make this into a self loathing session. Instead, be really honest with yourself and make small gestures towards self-improvement. My cousin shared a quote with me that perfectly sums this up: Dont focus on who you are today but have hope in who you will become tomorrow.

If you are being honest with yourself, the person you want to be isn't compatible with the person you were dating anyway. Sometimes break-ups are a blessing in disguise since, whether unintentionally or otherwise, your ex was holding you back from seeing your greatness. Think about things in your life today that happened because of a major shift that you once thought of as negative but actually guided you to a better version of your life. Personally if my ex boyfriend didn't break up with me I wouldn't have taken a risk and move to another country after quiting a job that was slowly killing me. I didn't realise how comfortable I was with mediocrity and it really took that low point for me to see how high up I could be climbing. I know you want more for yourself so don't block your blessing baby girl, bless and release.

Listen: Thank You Next - Arianna
(you know I had to)

Make Your Life Your Focus (Visioning)

"There is a crack, a crack in everything.
That's how the light gets in." - Leonard Cohen.

Have you ever heard of Kintsugi? It's the Japanese art of fixing broken pottery with lacquer that is mixed with gold powder. Centuries ago craftsmen came up with this concept of the ”golden repair” to give new life to what many would consider worthless. Right now you may feel like what Jamaicans describe as ”mash-up” but you owe it to yourself to piece yourself back together. Things might not be perfect but that doesn't stop it from becoming beautiful again. Start filling the gaps in your life with golden action plans.

The doom and gloom is waiting to set in so you have to act quickly. Break-ups are great at robbing you of your sense of control so here's what you have to do. Get a notebook and write down all the things you don't love about your life then make a column beside that with the ideal situation (the contrast). From there create goals connected to these and draft an action plan/ road map. Treat your life like a project, identifying what needs to get done and by when then go for it! It's easy to get into pity party mode and dwell on how much your life sucks but that won't change a thing.

Fall in love with yourself

Radical self care is quantum - Anne Lamott

Usually break ups are also the ultimate self-esteem crushers and you have to be proactive about shaking this. Some women change their hair, some enrol in pole dancing and others do a wardrobe overhaul to boost their confidence. What are the things you can do to tap into your sexy? Your bounce back game is only as good as how you feel about yourself. Take the time to celebrate the queen you are and centre your crown. Since we teach people how to love us it means we have to take care of ourselves mentally and physically so feed yourself positivity, love and compassion. It sets the tone for whoever you’ll date next.

Read/ Listen:

What A Time To Be Alone - Chidera Eggerue

Create Your Own Happiness

The first step to creating happiness in your life is forgiving yourself and also your ex. Holding on the grudge that comes with a breakup usually keeps you sad for a really long time. We don't own people, we can only experience them and so if they choose to go we have to separate from our selfish desires to keep them around and be grateful for the time you had together. Still, no matter who comes and goes, you will always have yourself. As I said earlier, if your happiness is derived from an outside source, you're going to be in trouble so look within.

When was the last time you felt genuinely happy? I mean the kind of joy that really made your heart smile. This was a bit of a challenge for me. In my blog post about Self Awareness I shared that I now keep a list of things that make me happy but what I didnt say is that this came about because after my last break up I genuinely didn't remember. I spent most of my time in couple mode and lost connection with myself. I literally had to start paying attention to the little things again so every time I did, watched or ate something or went somewhere that I enjoyed I would make notes so I could invite more of those experiences in my life.

If you're struggling with this too, you might want to start taking some notes friend.

Watch: Eat Pray Love

Read: The Happiness Project - Gretchen Rubin

Go out

I work in marketing and kind of went overboard with this. At the time of my last breakup one of my main clients was an alcohol company and I made it my duty to go to every single one of their events. This was a horrible idea since it only distracted me for a few months. I don't recommend running from your emotions and partying every night. But, while post break up is a great time for reflection and introspection, you absolutely have to leave your house to get out of your head a little. Over analysing and reliving the hurt is traumatizing so venture out, link your friends, go eat at your favourite restaurant or whatever it is that will get you back into the real world and pass the drama that you're creating in your head.

FYI this doesn't mean you should go cozying up with the first person who gives you attention but you should be open to the possibility of dating again (eventually). If you stay cooped up at home you’ll never find new prospects when you're in the state of mind to accept potential suitors.

Be vulnerable

(I'm not very good at this but I'm working on it.)

Cry, get therapy and ask your friend permission to vent. Let it all out. Built up sadness/ grief is dangerous because when that pipe cracks it might never stop leaking. If you're not ready to share your pain with someone else, keep a journal, write all the things that are clouding your mind. Whatever you do, just do not keep that pain festering inside you with no medium for release. You're human, with feelings and you do not have to be okay all the time. Take your time and allow yourself to go through the motions. Everything takes time, including healing so give yourself permission to sit in that discomfort a bit. You’ll discover things about yourself that will help you the next time you decide to open your heart to someone else. Just please don't make suffering your permanent state of existence.

Decide to move on (when you're ready)

I had so many whys and felt stuck because I realized I was actually sitting waiting and hoping my old love would bring me closure. It doesn't work like that. We have to gift it to ourselves, with or without explanation of where things went wrong. You don't have control over making the person stay but you do have control over whether or not you stay in grief. Be like a Phoenix and rise again. It will be difficult at first but life goes on. You gave as much as you could but it didn't work out. Remember that you can never be too much for someone who can't get enough of you or too little for someone who sees your worth.

Listen: Khalid - Coaster

The main reason a breakup is so hard is that it disrupts life as we know it. We usually plan life around our partner and so its hard to readjust. Those first few weeks or month (even years for some of us) will suck because we can't go back to what we know. But look at it as an opportunity. Life happens for us and even though we might not understand it in the moment, we have to believe that this setback is a set up for something major.

I think I'll close with this video about the Relationship with the Unknown on Impact Theory with Tom Bilyeu: https://youtu.be/La9oLLoI5Rc (I HIGHLY RECOMMEND THIS.)

until next time......

Do Good, Dress Well

xTAR

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A few months ago Facebook and Instagram feeds were flooded with 10 Year Challenge enthusiast proudly showing off their ”glow up” or lack there of for some (lol). I decided to sit that one out *cue insecure Isabella*but that story is for another blog post. Anyhow, after much thought, I realized that no photo could do justice to the most significant differentiator between my 18-year-old self and the woman I'm coming into today, that being self-awareness.

2009 was a rough year. I got the chicken pox three weeks before my sixth form graduation and if the itchy blisters and alarmingly high fever wasn't enough, the marks that remained were a taste of humble-pie that no 18 years old girl could acquire. I was waitlisted for the program I really wanted to enrol in and ended up matriculating in the most random degree the University had to offer just so I wasn't left behind by my peers. Then, after 6 months of dating who I endearingly will refer to as HellBoy, I broke off a verbally abusive relationship. Of course, he was the first person I saw when I stepped into my first lecture for the year. And, among other undesirable things, my struggles with acne was confirmed to be cystic/hormonal aka the worst kind and thence, first year university life was a party, on my face, a pity party in my head and all around Project X type mess -read disaster-.

Fast forward to 2019. I turned 28 years old on February 20 with not one chicken pox battle scar in sight though I am still struggling with cystic acne. And, besides the whole single bit, everything else has changed. Dr. Joe Dispenza said "Knowledge is power but self-knowledge is empowerment" which I believe is the best explanation for my slow but steady transformation. I didn't know myself 10 years ago. Almost all of my actions and thoughts came about through proximity to someone or something else and rarely originated within me. I had an incredible appetite for acceptance and even stronger propensity for people pleasing. Unfortunately, this meant that being likeable concerned me more than being in integrity with myself.

Ten years ago I also wasn't attuned to the frequency of my intuition and didn't understand that I had the ability to create the life that I wanted. I didn't read books beyond the demands of my degree, didn't know meditation was a thing and surely never set a single goal much less had a vision for my life. My life and purview were limited. Back then life was happening TO me. I took what I got and settled for any blessing that fell in my lap.

Except, I always knew somewhere at the back of my mind that this approach wasn't going to cut it. I didn't feel fulfilled but also, I didn't know where to start to make a change. In retrospect, I lacked clarity. Because I didn't know what I wanted from life, I accepted anything and didn't know when or why to say yes (or no). I wasn't aware for example that I am a 7 (Joyful Person) on the Enneagram which pretty much means the state of happiness is the one thing I value most. Learning little things like this was transformational.

You might be wondering what I'm getting at so, let me explain. I had a lot of pent up anger in university and most of it was directed at myself. I just didn't understand why I couldn't make myself do things, things that others were doing that I believed would get me ahead. I was always ready to give up on anything (people included) who seemed to suck the happiness out of my life which is not unusual for an Ennegram Style 7. We avoid pain and discomfort to maintain happiness but as you would imagine, this isn't always healthy. To no surprise after years of this misunderstanding of self, I developed destructive patterns of procrastination and giving into instant gratification that ultimately made me feel stuck. It was only through my awareness of what truly motivates me I was able to manage myself better and form new habits for success. This started with first creating a vision for my life which didn't come easy at first but gave me the ability to focus on the things that I needed to do for myself rather than on what anyone else was doing. So, all of this to say, we cannot change that which we do not understand. Self-awareness helps you to tap into your confidence and improves esteem so that you can actualize your greatness. Therefore, we have to achieve a sense of mastery from within before we can figure out anything else.

Wherever it is you want to be in life, the reality is that it is not where you are right now. Imagine today going somewhere for the first time and not having Google Maps app or any other GPS tool for reference. My guess is that even if you do end up finding it at all, you'll take a lot longer, stopping at intervals for directions and probably make more wrong turns than you'd like. Self-Awareness is the Google Maps of your life. It allows you to find your current coordinates so that you can map your path to your future self without having to rely heavily on external forces. And most importantly, it provides the clarity you need to avoid dead ends. It is choosing to be lead by knowledge rather than anything else.

Personally, I am no where near who I want to be but I know I am "becoming". I still struggle through a lot, but admittedly, being able to check in with myself and analyze the things that serve me or otherwise have changed my attitude and overall mindset. It's all a process and I'm growing and learning each day. And, I hope that you are too.

Here are a few ways I go about bootstrapping my efforts that might be useful to you or someone you know:

Assess

Psychometric Tests: I've done about 5 of these tests but there are a bunch of others available online. I highly recommend them, especially the Enneagram ($10) and the 16 Personalities (free). These two were freakishly on point and so I reference them often, particularly the blind spots/ weaknesses for guidance. Don't be dissuaded if it doesn't connect with you 100%. Focus on the stuff that resonates.

Ask for Feedback: Sometimes you might not be fully aware of how you're showing up so call on the people closest to you. Ask for example, "what are some of the things you love about me" and "what are the things can I improve on". Do this with an open mind and avoid getting defensive. Ensure these are people you can count on to be honest with you so that you feel comfortable knowing that any criticism is coming from a place of love.

Pay Attention: Whether or not you believe this to be true, we are emotional creatures. As such, we must pay close attention to the things that make us tick, for better or worse. How do you typically respond? Why did you respond in a certain manner? Are you okay with this feeling?

Document:

Journal: This is the immediate next step after paying attention to your responses. You have to write them down. Even if you're not much of a writer, journaling allows you to get out of your head a bit and brings your awareness to the patterns that are particularly toxic so you can start addressing them.

Log Your Faves: I know this might seem silly to some people but I keep a note in my iPhone with 'I like" followed by a list of all the things that bring me joy. I have a list of songs, food, places, things and even people. It might seem simple but it is a constant reminder of the who/what I need to keep in my space more often.

Reprogram:

Change Your Self Talk: show yourself some love! Write down your own or seek out affirmations to recite daily to create a new script for your life. We are what we believe and we manifest the things we repeatedly say so ensure you are speaking life and joy into being.

I hope this helps, even a little bit. It's no magic bullet but its a start at living your life in a more authentic way, one that requires no validation from anyone else. I remember a few years ago telling my ex boyfriend that he was the best thing to happen to me. Now, looking back, losing him was actually the best thing since it was the only way I could happen to myself. We all need to "happen to" ourselves. We each have a unique purpose and are beautiful in our own way. Once we see that spark in ourselves, there is nothing we cannot do or achieve. Get to know yourself. Get to know your worth.

I'll close with this: "When no one is liking you, do you like yourself?" - Chidera Eggerue (The SlumFlower)

until next time......

Do Good, Dress Well

xTAR

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When it comes to traveling, we put a lot of thought into where we go, how we’ll get there and what to budget for, but we very often overlook or underestimate an important aspect of our trip: who we go with.

I’ve traveled solo a few times and I love it. As an extroverted introvert, I thrive on alone time and need it to recharge. Traveling alone gives me the autonomy to go where I please, eat when and what I’d like and truly enjoy the time passing without concern for much. Having the freedom to wander in a museum for hours, pausing intrigued for 15 minutes or so to take in a particular work of art with no one nudging you forward is, for me, a small joy. Nevertheless, I have to admit, I do catch myself in the midst of it all thinking, wow, xyz would really have loved this or so and so would appreciate this too.

Traveling is a special experience and sometimes sharing the memories do make them even more meaningful. As I write this I can recall one night in particular in Paris at the culmination of my Euro trip with two friends. They would be going back to Jamaica the next day and as any good patron of the City of Lights should, we decided to spend our last few hours together drinking wine in front of La Tour d'Eiffel. As we sat reliving the details of our trip and certainly on a high from 14 days spent in 8 cities, a few meters away we suddenly heard the bellowing of Ini Kamoke's Hot Stepper to which we all had the same exact reaction, i.e. scream and spring to our feet to dance. As if that wasn't enough, the singer decided to follow up with Beenie Man's Simma Simma, at which point we pretty much lost it. I had been to the Eiffel Tower about a hundred times prior to this and had seen many street singers deliver acoustics sets on several occasions but the odds that of all nights, this singer would choose to belt out two of the most renowned reggae hits of all times, at the exact moment that three little Jamaican girls found themselves on the lawns of Trocodero was serendipitous to say the least. I texted my friend to confirm that I had remembered the songs correctly and she readily gave, "Yes, I can never forget that night."

Beyond the memories, having the right travel partner is also a convenience. It's cost effective since you'll be able to split fees and in the event of emergency there is someone to rely on. Plus, unlike solo travel you won’t have to keep asking random strangers to take your photo and pose while in the throes of paranoia, worrying that they’ll run off with your cellphone if they say yes.

Having taken a few trips with several different individuals, I will say, choose your companion(s) carefully. In Jamaica, there is a saying "see me and live wid me a two different tings," which essentially means, spending a few hours with a person is not a true indication of what it's like to cohabit with them. Of course, there are very telling signs based on your interactions that you can use to deduce whether or not you want to travel across the ocean with this person. You'll want to pay close attention to the admirable traits or the otherwise red flags because, trust me, you wont want to be a few thousand miles away from home only to realize your travel bud is actually a latent psychopath.

So, here are a few things to consider when evaluating whether a person will be a good fit for your trip:

1. The Objective

What is the main purpose of the trip? Being very clear about this will help you to choose the most appropriate companion. For example, if you’re planning to be adventurous, explore many places and walk a great deal you know not to choose someone who prefers to relax or wants a shopping trip. Setting expectations ahead of time is essential to a successful travel experience. That way, you wont have any unnecessary stress because the person has one agenda for the trip while you have completely different intentions.

2. Compatibility

I remember in Shoe Dog, Phil Knight's memoir, where he relayed how he chose a travel partner saying his friend was "easy to talk to and easy not to talk to, equally important qualities in a friend, especially a travel companion." Like Phil, you'll need to assess whether your choice person is agreeable. Say for example, you're a person who likes your alone time, then it means you should probably stay clear of anyone with monophonic tendencies. It’s always better to have someone that complements you. Beyond personal space, this will become even more important when deciding on a budget. Seemingly simple things such as food or accommodation can cause a big fall out if you’re not on the same page, so be mindful of this.

3. Reliability

You will need someone you can always count on. Who do you know that will show up on time so you wont miss a train, pay their portion of the bill and make good on whatever arrangements you've both decided on? That's the person you should be traveling with. Also, anything can happen and you want to know that if you run into any trouble, this person can be trusted to be there for you when you need them most. Traveling with someone selfish or self-centred will be a disaster. Whoever you choose, you should be able to comfortably share responsibilities with them.

4. Flexibility

I like the idea of planning ahead and I highly encourage it. The thing with traveling however is things definitely won’t always go as you’ve imagined so you need to have someone who is understanding and won’t complain every time something changes. The worst thing you can have on a trip is a whiner. Traveling will present lots of new and unexpected experiences and it’s better to have someone who is curious and open to rolling with the punches if and when they come.

5. The Ying To Your Yang

This is more than just being compatible, it's finding a person who balances you out and will be able to pick up your slack in the areas that you're not so strong at. I, for example, am good at planning a trip but don't ask me to use Google Maps when we get there! I know it's supposed to be straight forward but there are some of us who just can't find our bearings so easily. It might seem simple but traveling with someone who is better coordinated and can easily take directions actually make a difference for me. Essentially, what I'm saying here is, where ever it is that you find yourself lacking, your travel partner should be killing it in that department, ideally.

Traveling can make or break a relationship. Speaking from experience, do not travel with someone who will make you regret leaving home. Traveling should, for the most part, be a wonderful experience so protect your space. Ask questions, be vocal about your preferences and if possible, do a dry run by taking a day trip locally to see how well you'll fare with the person. Who you go with will make all the difference, regardless of your destination so choose wisely. I really can't stress it enough.

until next time......
Do Good, Dress Well

xTAR

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